


i'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound

by KayCeeCruz



Series: Love's Tender Refrain [1]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-28
Updated: 2011-11-28
Packaged: 2017-10-26 15:23:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/284829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayCeeCruz/pseuds/KayCeeCruz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Excerpts of Brian and Justin's life.</p><p>This is a ten part series inspired by this meme I saw floating around. The gist of it was: put your iTunes on shuffle, and write a drabble based on each of the first ten songs that play. Don’t linger when the song is over, this is an exercise. Though this series ranges in length from drabblish to ficlet to not so ficlet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound

_I’m hearing what you say but I just can’t make a sound.  
(Apologize - One Republic)_

 

1.

 

New York invaded his soul like only one other ever had and when Justin walked down her dirty, gray streets all he could see where lines, curves…violent colors in neon and spray paint. A swirl of darkness and light that came together perfectly. She was sadness and joy together. A realm where dreams and nightmares actually materialized.

Like many before him, he was taken deeply and would have fallen completely in her grasp if there hadn’t been one thing holding him back.

Or rather one person…

“I think I’m cheating on you with New York.”

“…….”

“Brian, I said -”

“ I fucking heard you, Justin.” There was a shuffling of paper and Justin waited, tapping a beat with the brush in his hand on his knee.

“That doesn’t bother you?”

“Why the fuck would it?”

“Because I might never want to come home.”

There was a sigh and then, “I’m already operating under that assumption, Sunshine. So, if that’s making you feel guilty then just fucking stop.”

He hung up on Brian.

 

###

 

When he walked through the subways, the crumbling walls spoke to him, telling their stories of decades past. People milled around him, hyper aware of their surroundings but never seeing what was in front of them. His artistic eye took it in, the shapes and dimensions…would translate it in his mind so that when he was home, his hand could easily recreate it.

Sometimes it was in those moments that he thought New York might win out after all.

“That lasted a little longer than I expected.”

“What did?” Justin brushed one hand over his face.

“The silence…it’s been a week.”

“I know.” There was a pause. “You know, this new fangled invention works both ways.”

“I’ve heard that. You know what else? Proper phone etiquette seems to be going out of style. “

“I’m sorry I hung up.”

Silence.

“You just tend to not hear me sometimes.”

A sigh, deep and serious and Justin doesn’t roll his eyes. Restraint.

“I’m listening now.”

“I might not want to come home.”

“You are home, Justin. I told you I get that.”

Justin breathed in. “Do you?” Little bubble of everything he held inside expanded making it difficult to take in air.

“It’s New York. I’m not going to lie and say I ‘m thrilled about it but…I understand.”

Justin held his head in one hand. “You’re still not hearing me. I’m hanging up now.”

And he did.

 

###

 

Nights in the city consisted of an alternating cacophony of lights and sounds to a deadly silence where nothing moved…no one lived. The whispers of ghosts…of lives wasted away…dreams torn asunder permeated the air. Justin hated that part because it reminded him that everything he wanted couldn’t always be had.

And he wanted. A lot.

This city…this place borne of death and power, sometimes of beauty and love…it reminded him that he was leaving what mattered somewhere else.

“…..”

“Brian?”

“I fucking hate that you’re there.”

Justin held a breath, something tugging at his lips and heart.

“I see.”

“I want you here. But it’s not where you need to be.”

“Right.”

“So, you have to be there. Even if I want you here.”

“Brian.”

“Mmm?”

“Call me when you’re sober.”

This time Justin waited until there was a dial tone in his ear before hanging up his phone.

 

###

 

It could be said that New York offered Justin everything he wanted. Except for the dingy one-bedroom that he could barely afford with a roommate. Or the throngs of people knocking on his door to feature him as anything. He was less than nothing there. He waited tables at a near by diner and his tips were barely enough to cover expenses. He was starting to resent not being eighteen anymore.

But everything it didn’t give him was weighed by all those things it taught him. He was becoming his own man and he was happy for that. Those dawns where he stood at the grime-covered window of his four story walk-up looking out to where he knew one day he’d be, those were the moments it was worth it.

And in the end he knew it would afford him the only thing that really mattered.

“So…”

“So…”

“This is total bullshit, Justin. You love it there. I understand that.”

“Good.”

“Okay. So what’s with you, then? Why -”

“Because you’re not listening. I may not want to come home.”

“Alright! I heard the first hundred fucking times you said it.”

“No! You haven’t! Cause then you’d stop your self-scarifying shit and know that if I don’t come home, I fully fucking expect home to come to me!”

No response.

“So you know…just wanted you to figure that out on your own but you’re too damn stubborn, apparently.”

After an eternity of silence, Brian mumbled under his breath and Justin quirked an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

“I said I can’t fucking read minds, Sunshine.”

Justin blinked…because really. This was Brian. And then that little bubble of something that always resided inside him burst open, letting out just a little bit of happiness. He laughed loud and hard.

“Shut up, you little shit.”

“I love you, too, Brian.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback loved and appreciated. Leave here or at [LJ](http://freakykat.livejournal.com/155405.html?mode=reply#add_comment)


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